randomness

what am i still doing up? my bedtime is 10:00 sharp. i'm just thinking about life. listening to evanescence "you" and crying a little. thinking about when tyler proposed to me. i don't ever want to forget the details of that night. beach. full moon. lightning in the distance. sand. surprise. absolute love. thinking about people i know that i really don't know. appearances deceive me. i put on my own facade sometimes. does anyone at work know i'm just trying to survive? does tyler really know how much i miss him? why do i feel like i have to play hard to get sometimes still? i've got him! i feel like texting him all the time. all the time. but i stop myself. ah. i miss everything about him. well, maybe not his clothes strewn about all over the apartment. maybe just that. before i got married i loved being single. loved it. loved independence. loved focusing on me. i was not a crazy-for-marriage provo-ite. now i can't stand being alone. i crave his presence. thinking about the mission. thinking about what a beast of a trainer i was. i'm sorry anna. i've never felt so guilty in my whole life as i did on the mission. so many rules. they're necessary though. then there were those few days when i was filled with absolute happiness. thinking about how i can not wait to wake up to tyler again. stare at his baby face while he's still sleeping. then 10 minutes later hear him grunt, turn over, and say "why are you awake?" thinking about how i feel more purpose in life being married. and how i feel like i'll have even more as a mother. thinking about who my kids will be and what they'll be like. sometimes i wish i was already 80 and done with the challenges of life. but i'm loving the fact that i have the greatest person by my side to tough it out with me. random. i know. a lot of times blogging is more for me than anyone who reads this. great if you benefit or find some good here too but it just feels good to get thoughts out on the screen and let someone else know what's going on behind the appearances.